Not too long ago, someone recommended a book to me called: “Unf*ck your boundaries“. The author is well-known and her books take a realistic approach to how we set and communicate our boundaries resonates well (given the nearly 4-5 stars the book received on Amazon!).

If you’re anything like me, you may not have been cognizant of setting boundaries along your life journey thus far. I was operating with a set of unintentional boundaries that I was not cognizant of. As an example, I have a physical boundary of not letting people into my personal space. Intuitively, I knew that letting people in my personal space was not something I wanted.

At first, the word ‘boundaries’ felt defensive at first. It felt like it had a negative connotation to me. Perhaps it’s because boundaries are typically thought of as keeping people outside of an imaginary line or establishing a world where someone is not welcome; not inclusive. After spending some time thinking about the different types of boundaries and how to create them and set them, I started to look at ‘boundaries’ as a protective shield.

Leveraging boundaries as a Protective Shield

When you take a step back to review the purpose of establishing boundaries, it is to help you to take full ownership of your responsibilities and provide a line-in-the-sand for where you will not cross nor let others cross (and impact your life negatively). There are different types of boundary categories and here are a few of them:

• Physical Boundaries: Related to physical touch or physical space. An example of this boundary is asking your friend not to look at your cell phone when you are texting.
• Emotional Boundaries: Related to your own feelings. An example of this boundary is not letting yourself feel bad about expressing your need to be happy to those around you who are negative.
• Time Boundaries: Time is finite – we all only have so much of it. How are you protecting your time? Are you accomplishing your purpose and goals in life – and are you putting the right amount of time against each of those items?

How to best communicate your boundaries (& to whom)

Think about the people who you interact with on a daily basis. Of those people, think of those who have the most impact on your life. Generally, the more time you spend with someone, the more impactful they are. Those are the people who you will benefit the most from having a conversation with about boundaries.

Of the people you interact with on a daily basis, you probably have your own love language or communication style. Before starting a conversation about boundaries, truly understand ‘what’ you need from the other person. Are you asking them to change their behavior around you? Are you just telling them about your new way of thinking? What exactly do you need from them. Once you know what you’re asking and in keeping with your communication style that you have with them, clearly tell them what your boundary is / boundaries are.

As an example:

• I have been doing a bit of thinking lately and I have something I’d like to propose to you.
• It makes me uncomfortable when I am in large crowds. I truly do not like when I’m elbow to elbow with other people.
• Moving forward, I would like to not go to live concerts so that I do not have my personal space impacted.

That’s just a single example. The goal is to have clear communication (in a style the other person understands best) with a clear outcome.

After much pondering, boundaries are not necessarily a restriction but more thought of as a protective shield. To ensure that you feel safe and have the right environment and circumstances where you can thrive. Communicating them with your loved ones is not only helpful for you but also for them – you may find that they have (or needed) boundaries of their own.

Think about it,

MJ